Dreading your birthday? Here’s why

Birthdays are often seen as a time of celebration — a chance to reminisce about the past year before stepping into a new chapter of life.

For as long as I can remember, I always loved my birthday. When I turned 10, my mum organised a bowling party accompanied by Hello Kitty gifts for all my friends and family, turning me into one of the most popular kids in my class. Thanks, mum.

Another year, I decided to plan a joint celebration with one of my friends, whose birthday fell five days before mine. I had saved up to buy a new top for the occasion, only to spill makeup on it just before heading out. My best friend of now 12 years still will not let me forget about it — and I suspect never will.

But everything changed when I turned 18. Just shy of the first Covid-19 lockdown, I organised a birthday dinner at an Italian restaurant in London Bridge.

That morning, out of nowhere, a sudden wave of sadness hit me. I ended up bursting into tears right in front of my mum. To this day, I do not fully understand what triggered that spell or why it happened. However, what I do know is that those feelings have plagued me ever since.

In simple terms, this can be described as "birthday blues." For some, birthdays bring unexpected feelings of anxiety, pain, and dread. While awareness of this phenomenon has grown in recent years, substantive research on the matter remains scarce.

The influx of negative emotions can be confusing and frustrating. Why does sadness creep in on a day meant for joy? What causes this sudden rush of emotions? How can it be avoided? Psychotherapist Kingsley Brown helped shed some light on why birthday blues have become more common in the UK.

"Social pressures around reaching certain milestones by a specific age can affect how we feel about celebrating," Brown said.

"When those expectations aren't met, birthdays can become reminders of failure rather than celebrations."

In other words, birthdays often serve as an annual deadline for people to measure their success over the past year. Many choose to dwell on what they have failed to achieve rather than revel in their progress, allowing disappointment to fester into deeper feelings of despair and anguish.

Other factors that contribute to birthday blues include the fear of ageing, revisiting past trauma, or feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to plan the perfect day.

Social media does not help either. "Showcasing grand birthday surprises, expensive trips, and picture-perfect moments make it seem like anything less isn't enough," Brown explained.

Financial struggles, particularly during the ongoing cost-of-living crisis, can also conjure up envy, jealousy and self-pity — both from seeing others celebrate lavishly and from not being able to mark the occasion as one might have hoped.

However, there are ways to cope. Brown highlighted a few key strategies to help ease birthday-related stress:

● Practice self-compassion – Take a moment before your birthday to acknowledge your efforts and achievements, even if they seem small. They matter much more than you might think.

● Stop comparing yourself to others – Social media makes this difficult, but as Brown puts it, "We are in a rush to nowhere."

● Enjoy the process – Prioritise self-care, whether that means exercising, spending time with loved ones, or simply appreciating the little things. You will get there eventually.

Feeling sad before your birthday is more common than you might think, and it does not mean something is wrong with you. The key is to acknowledge those emotions rather than suppress them or allow them to overshadow your big day.

I embrace my birthday blues now. It has become somewhat of a tradition to use my birthday as an emotional outlet for everything I have experienced over the past year — whether it was good or bad.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of celebrating my birthday abroad — and I made sure to have a good cry with my loved ones. Maybe you should try it too.